Wednesday
February 15th 2012
Today is my birthday.
But I can’t think in Indonesian. I have lost my trust to this country. I always feel like I’m not supposed to be here. I’m terribly in a wrong country. Wrong city. Wrong place. Because all that I’m searching for is not here. Caring, understanding, accepting, I couldn’t find them. Where are they? Are they hidden? Am I too blind to see them?
Today is my birthday.
But I can’t sleep. I can’t close my eyes. I’m probably waiting for something. It’s not coming. I can feel that. It’s not there. It has gone to somewhere I can’t reach. Instead, it is never there. What is going on? Why can’t I just sleep? What am I expecting for?
Today is my birthday.
But I can’t stop crying. Something’s gone. One by one. I want to hold them. Beg them to stay. But they instinctively turn into mystery. Then may be misery. I bury the feeling forcefully. I run after. In fact, it is only in place. I’m not moving. I need a place. But I have no more world to stay. Where should I go? What am I supposed to do? Is there anything left?
Today is my birthday.
But I can’t remember what I have been through. Everything passes by. Everything is going on apparently. But I’m not. I’m living in a world without fire. Everybody says people get their own fire inside. But I cannot feel mine. Did someone steal it? Come over please, I want to get burned.
Burn me please, I want to live.
Today is my birthday.
But I can’t avoid blue. I hate blue. I’m sick of blue. Sometimes I could see grey, but there’s always the distance. And it is always too far. I can’t get over it. It simply went up. Just like the green. I have green shoe, green watch, and green T-shirt. But I can’t have a green life and neither can grey.
Blue, why do you always come? Get out please, I need to see grey and green. Disappear please, I need to breath.
Today is my birthday.
But all that I feel is emptiness.
Why can’t something fill me in?
Why can’t somebody come over me?
Why there’s only pain and misery?
Today is my birthday.
Why don’t I stop breathing?
Why don’t I stop asking?
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